May 11 2006
so I went on a vacation. I expected to get annoyed a bit at my friend, because that's expected when spending long periods of time with someone. But we came back home. And now I'm just laying here thinking.
Everyone seems to see me as this very calm and relaxed person. But they're wrong. I hate being mimicked in my emotions and responses to certain things. So I am slowly not showing them anymore. It's not intentional. I only really realized it now. And maybe it's not all the time. Actually, it is all the time. But there are times when i'm able to push it down and laugh with everyone else or whatever the case calls for.
I think maybe I'm getting paranoid. I'm always suspicious of people. Even people I've known a long time. i have a hard time believing people would like me for no other reason except that they like being aroun dme. I don't think I'm entirely pleasant.
I often say things just to make people feel stupid... Not exactly for no reason, but moreso to disagree with them, even if it's very slight. For some reason a lot of people I am friends with seem to have no opinions of their own and have to agree with everything I say.
For example: a recent conversation:
Suz: I can't believe people like whipped cream on their coffee. Whipped cream is so gross. I hate the taste and the texture.
Me: Yeah. I don't like it on my coffee. But I do like it on certain pies.
Suz: yeah, that's alright then. But only if it's a little bit.
Me: My favorite coconut cream pie has a thick layer of whipped cream on top. Pretty much equal height to the pie.
Suz: Well, as long as it's equal. Then it's good. I like whipped cream and strawberries on waffles.
Me: I don't. I don't like cut strawberries (such as you would put on waffles) and whipped cream together. The strawberry juices make it runny and soggy.
Suz: Me neither. I only like fresh strawberries on it.
Me: They still make juice.
Suz: Well, not as much.

This frustrates me. It makes me want to hurt myself. It always happens. Why can't people have their own opinions, or rather, my friends.
I guess a professional would blame it on my friend's low self-esteem or something like that, but I have opinions and my self esteem doesn't exist. I can barely post sentences on message boards on the internet for fear of someone making a negative comment. And if they make a positive comment, it's almost as bad because I don't know what to say back - if I should say anything.


There's a fence that separates the properties. It's worn, old and brown. Some planks of wood are cracked or rotted through, and I don't recall the last time it saw a coat of paint. It's been climbed on, climbed over and walked on. Parts of it torn down, driven over or blown by feirce wind. But it still stands as a marker between land - still serves it's purpose - it's meaning - fulfills it's design, although it's ragged and sagging, and the weeds grow tall. And someday it will droop and fall and promptly be replaced.


I heard you said you missed me
I hope you know I miss you too
And I won't hold it against you if you want "us" back
because that's what friends do.

Please, swallow your pride
It's been out of my hands for some time
Please, tell me you miss me
And your anger has passed on with time.

I heard you've changed a bit somehow
I think so have I
Maybe you'd be like a stranger passing by
But I hope you still have that something inside.

But I heard that you miss me now
And I wondered if you meant it enough
To tell me those words yourself
And we can get on with the "us".