Some of this stuff is incredibly old. But I'll maybe slowly get it all up here.

Winter
I have come to see no more than the dead carcuses of the living. The wind blowing and rattling the bones. For no sun will shine here beneath the thick cloud of darkness for many days to come it seems. A blanket of white tries to hide the dead with gray limbs protruding obscenely through and the bones still swaying in the wind. In this winterland of death, each new stroke pierces my heart til there is nothing left. And I wake to find it is worse than I thought. Dirt fallen from the sky. Let's bury the dead and I watch sitting by the window.

Happy Happy
Once upon a time in a land far away, ther was a little girl, on her bed she lay. She thought about all the things in her life. She thought about all the trials and strife. Unhappy and discontent, she wanted something with meaning, something that ment- something to her on those dark cloudy nights when no stars would appear to give off their light. For when all the struggles seemed just too much. Some sort of guidance to get her through and such. One day she came across the music that glittered and sparkled. It's dark light shining bright, she could only marvel. How could this be? something so perfect. So understanding and wise. She could not believe it. The guitar sounds so brilliant, the bass bold and daring, the drums are like heaven sent and the singing so amazing. So she listened to it day and night. She now had a fire inside buring bright. She listened for days and for weeks on end. This lovely music never left her head. She'll listen forever and sing along til her voice is gone. She'll remember when we were all so beautiful and she will write her first love song. The years will pass, but the music will go on. Her devotion will not waver, it will be strong. The fire will be insider her forever. It will not leave her, not now, not ever. Even when the time comes on the day that she dies. Silent in the casket she will lie, until everyone's gone and the earth around her not a sound. Until she's burried far below a big dirt mound. Then her voice will be clear and the songs will play on. They were never gone. She'll lay here forever in the dark, all dead. But the fire ignites. The music will never end.

Beautiful One
One morning I woke up, the sun was blood red
spilling the sky wide open, I slowly crawled out of bed
I can't understand this sadness I feel
But i reach up a hand to wipe away a tear
my hand comes back slick, it's red and it sticks
my eyes pour out blood, blood and tears mixed
I'm fully awake and I know this sadness
My stomach twists in pain, my mind whirls in madness
My whole life is gone, broken and shattered
My heart explodes and the pieces scattered
this feelings emense and i wish i was dead
I can't stop this pain, my brain pounding in my head
I'll never make it through the day
I cannot live this way
It feels like barbed-wire swallowed down my throat
I wish i would just fucking choke
I could take some thread, stitch up my heart
threads intertwining each little part
But blood still spurts through, and it will not mend
cause this is how it feels to lose my best friend.

A Culture
The streams are all dry, cracked river beds with no water flowing through. The husks of flowers are all that remain. They cannot be restored, never renewed. The trees are all gray, twisted and knarled, barren and black, raging and snarled. Drawing blood from those who pass, thistles still thrive. They need no other moisture, and thorns know nothing more will survive.
Do you see the beauty?
Built by a culture,
Formed just for us.
Can you remember the beauty?
We are all dying,
And our attempts to live are not enough.
We cry for love. We scream for help. We long for belonging, some sort of understanding. Hide in the shadows. Close off our hearts. Be a statue, be strong, because none of them will help.
Here is your world. Why do you cry? Do not look so tortured even though all that is here will fall and will die. Isn't it wonderful? You are condemed to this place. You'll die here alone as we suck away the joy, and all that is beautiful.

Simon
when you left you stole the light,
and this brings me to devastation
since you've left there's been only night
pitch black darkness,
no sunrise in sight.

heaven would be a better place
if you were there.
maybe heaven just couldn't wait
maybe it didn't think we'd care
you left too soon and left no light,
but maybe heaven doesn't even have you in sight.

so this is it and i guess we're all fucked over.
there is no success in this generation,
only pain and problems occurring and hearts getting colder.
i feel only dismay, desolation is strong.
i can find no comfort here. i'm alone with my sorrow.

One Dance
I asked you for this dance
as the music played on
but neither of us know the steps
and damn it feels so wrong
my feet are like lead bricks
scraping the floor raw
YOu don't seem to have the timing right
I really hope no one saw

So we dance this dance
as our lives waste away
and we still dance on
as the music plays
I feel im bruising up the floor
making marks black and blue
but we dance this dance
we have no more to lose

My body is all weary
the floor bleeds where i move
I want to stop dancing
I thought you did too
but something here has changed
you're looking so much better
You've found the steps and timing
attentions all on me. I'm the center

I feel like all eyes are on me
i wish this song would stop
we all know this music never ends
it never pauses, never stops
this spot light is on me
I can't do this anymore
sweats running in my eyes
I need to find the door

everyone watches me
but i feel so alone
you're not even with me anymore
i dance alone
the floor is bloody all around me
i stop dancing, i stall
I look at all the things in my life
It's a wasted dance and i fall

I Stand Alone
watching, waiting, wondering. The sharp wind biting at my face. My hair tossed about in the breeze. I stand alone on a barren plain and the long dry grass seems to wisper my name. Calling out to me like those it called out to before. They were barried long ago. I am motionless and caught in time. While everything around me moves swiftly by. The clouds passing overhead, speeding, rushing past the dead. The mountain spitting out a flame and I think that I shall surely die here on this plain. Sputtering a dry cough from the mountain. Red, hot saliva shooting out like a fountain. Ashes falling all around and i know the end draws near. I shall surely die here. As I stand alone.

I Died
You stood right before me
Eyes staring blankly
Mouth gaping open
I stared back bravely
Your body convulsed
And then flies burst forth from your mouth
They ate out your tongue
Then they flew away south

Your eyes met mine briefly
So confused and in pain
I reached out with a knife, cut you open
and let your intestines drain
out of you they fell
tumbling onto the floor
Miles and miles of your gut
spilling out red and sore

You opened your mouth wide
You started to scream
But you're coughing and hacking
You can't wake up now, this isn't a dream
Now gasping for breath
You are choking, don't choke!
You hack out your voicebox
In blood it is soaked

Blood dripping out of your mouth
Try to scream but it's silent
I lick your blood with my tongue
My, I'm feeling naughty, so violent

The taste of your blood swirling around my tongue
It's like copper, it's bitter and rotten
But I get a sick, queasy feeling
Blood falls from my eyes
I am looking in a mirror
I fall and i die.

My Valentine
Fingers clawing at my skin
Digging further deeper in
Beads of blood forming patterns
Down my chest but nothing matters
And blood splatters, breaking through my bones
Hitting smashing them with stones
Working fingers in through tissue
Rearrangings not an issue
Grab my heart into your hand
Hold it beating and expand
Rip it out and hold it there
Raise it high into the air
Close my eyes and start to fade
And look at all this pain you made

. . .
A dripping noise below
Nothing more than a trickle, really
I didn't have time to close my eyes,
So they stare, wide open, blankly.
There is no breath left in me
No breath within
I am numb
I am gone
I am dumb
I am done
There is nothing in me.

Stupid Is My Name
We're back to the beginning where warmth never is and sickness is prevailing. The presence of light is a shocking occurance, because the light brings happiness, and I've never heard of tears of joy. We embrace death. Where else is there to go? Who you care for most doesn't feel the same towards you. They hide themselves away far beneath the dirt after the act of breaking your wings, tearing them off, and leaving them for the wild dogs to eat. But I'm still alive. My blood may be lost, my hope and my faith, but the heart still beats on dull and echoing the hollowness inside. So is it better to be, or to not be at all?

Photographs In November
I will remember the smell of flowers
The heat on my head, the sun on my back
The air is so fresh after rain showers
The fragrance of everything, and pavement hot beneath my feet

Because all is lost when the sun sets low
The leaves fall and crunch under my shoes
I can see my breath, and a cold breeze blows,
Laced with icey air. it surrounds
Everything it touches, and it's not long before it snows
Covered in a blanket of white
So beautiful and bright
Radiating the sunlight
The snow in the streetlamps at night
Looks so lovely, it might. . .

Begin to melt the next day
Trickling and running down the streets.
The blanket of white will not stay.
The one thing in winter that's wonderful
Turns from white to brown and gray
As it's showered in slush and in dirt.
So just remain inside and lay
Huddled in blankets for warmth
And hope the next time the beautiful white will stay
Or summer will come
And all of this will go away.

Dig Pretty Graves
I am making lists of what I am and hope to keep. They're scorched with flames and charred beyond recignition, because they can't be kept when I can't remain the same. Try to follow rules, strict, drawn lines. Well, they're frail and thin, so easy to ruin. Trample them into the dust. Oh, look what I've done. I've turned this into a graveyard with headstones looming, heavy and dark over the dead. Holes being dug ten-fold because we can't keep up with this death. "But they're so young", and they''ll die quick. Know the way to go. Be beautiful, have no patience, change all on your own. For vanity, for greatness. But we're digging our own graves deep to hide ourselves. Look what we've become. Put yourself on display and gorge on admiring stares. Live for those comments. Be envied, be choice just like them who dig their own graves and pick out a stone angel to rest atop, crying. "Oh, they're so young", and they'll die quickly, but i like it that way.

Bereavement
The stars would ignite. Lit up - burn bright. Take their places back in the night. Shining their beacons of hope and of light. Fly across the heavens, wonderous, luminous. Trails of stars lined through the sky and all that is in sight. And this is how it was.

I can't have it back again. My heaven is gone. I'm alone. The stars are burnt out, surrounded in pitch black. I'm alone.

Condemned to feel this loss forever. Broken promises, future promises not fullfiled, not ever. Sorries worth nothing, and perceiving only lies and mistakes - dominant, prominent in your mind. You'll never forget that, and my regret is not enough.

Let the angels sing. Let the light consume. - The voices ring.
Let the warmth return, spread through myself and engulf. - I've learned.
Discard the harsh, sullen cold. Sweep away sentiments of pain - feelings of being lonely and old.

But I can't find heaven. I can't get it back. You meant what you said, when you said you don't care, and you feel there is nothing you lack. I'm alone, and I can't have you back.

All I Want
All I want is affirmation. We know failure, and we are alone. A hunger to believe we belong, we can't truely obtain recognition, because being critical is love. And all I want is love. I've been stabbed in the back too many times to count. The scars and scabs testiments of my loss. Wounds remain highly overdue - the blood trickling out much longer than I can remember the circumstance. Dragging myself through the dirt by my fingernails, all I want is to stand straight. But I carry my own knife. We kill ourselves. We hurt. We despair. We know we're inferior, but let's feed off each other's insecurities. All I want is something real. A covenant to stop this recklessness. But we are careless and have passion only for the pursuit of greatness. So let's murder each other. Let's kill ourselves. For this is true satisfaction. And all I want is satiety.

The Sidewalk
Sidewalk.
Mimic me. Copy me.
Follow me. But watch your toes.
One red ant. Don't step on the crack.
Sand by the curb. And little stones
that hurt small feet. But I won't care.
Two black ants. One bumble bee.
Don't move. Be still. Don't sting me.
The sidewalk on a hot summer day.
I can feel the heat. The distant sound
of happy bells. And ice cream not too far away.
The sidewalk is innocence.
Is barefeet. Sun-drenched skin.
Dirty fingers. And mismatched clothes.
Where the bumble bee's the threat.
The red ants.
And the heat on bare little toes.

Did You Know?
Did you know I loved you?
But you're gone in the blink of an eye.
Everyone will die soon.
Everything makes me cry.
And I love too much.
The sun sets too fast.
I don't want to believe in endings.
It sickens me that nothing lasts.
I can't repress the loneliness,
When someone I care for says Goodbye.
When it's premature, before it's time,
And do you know I love you?

Turn It Up
Turn up the sun now
I want to live

I want to be someone
Turn on the lights now
I want to burn

200 candles -
Flickering flames -
Warm, glowing light

Turn up the street lamps -
The lanterns, the flashlight
Drown my eyes, hot and bright

Bring out the search lights -
The flood lights, the rescue light
Hazard lights flashing red and blue and white

Turn up the sun now
I want to be alive.

Fucker
Comfort is a thing of the past. It can't happen and it shouldn't. Comfort creates relaxation and happiness, a sense of well-being, and the feeling that nothing can go wrong. It's all a false sense of hope, because hope doesn't exist. It's shattered and broken and scattered. So you pick up the pieces and glue it back together, but it's not as good as it was. The cycle goes on until holes are apparent and pieces are missing, glued together in the wrong places, stitched up with patches of cloth and all torn around the edges. So this is hope, and it cannot be. It's broken because you wrecked it. It’s broken because it doesn’t exist. It’s broken because I am.